In memory of
Joseph Donatello

This Eulogy

Delivered by his friend,
Matthew Schaeffer

Tuesday, December 2, 2008
South Park Church
Park Ridge, IL

Obituary
Chicago Tribune

Introduction

Joseph Angelo Donatello........Joey Donatello........Joey D........Daddy D........
The Don........Joe........Joey........Johnny........Daddy.

Today we are without a proud and loving husband, faithful brother and beloved son, a most devoted father and our dear friend.

He has left the stage, turned out the lights and is no more.

I would give anything for an encore.

But if you taught me anything Joey, it was that you always leave 'em wanting more.

So Bravo my friend, well done.

Because we could never get enough.

The Problem

I've discovered that grieving for Joey is complicated.

Besides the suddenness and shock, the real trouble is that I am still hearing his voice so clearly in my head.

Every time I start to cry or, heaven forbid, feel the slightest bit sorry for myself, Joey interrupts and has something to say.

Let me give you an example.

My favorite bible verse is Ecclesiastes 9:11:

I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

To me, this is a powerful reminder of the fragility of our hopes and dreams, of our money, our friends and our lives.

And then, suddenly, while I'm silently pondering and reflecting on this deep truth, Joey's voice blocks out everything else and I hear this:

"Yeah great, it means stuff happens, what are ya gonna do?"

I think you can all see what I mean.

My Best Friend

Ever since I received the terrible news I've been telling people that I lost my best friend.

But I've actually never liked that phrase. I never understood what it meant, exactly.

The saddest I ever saw him was when someone had let him down, usually by letting them-selves down at the same time.

And maybe that's what a best friend does.

Joey was more disappointed for me than I was for myself when I failed to give the best I had to offer.

Making Sense

So it's my hope today that talking about the way Joey lived might help me untangle this horrible confused sadness I'm drowning in.

Joey was a great teacher and who better to show me the way?

Joey Thought We All Deserved The Best

Joey always wanted the best of everything. If there was a Platinum membership he would want the Platinum Plus. A quick flip through his wallet would have shown membership cards for Executive Clubs, the Knights Circle, the Planetary Level, Titanium Platinum Gold status and more.

I remember when Joey bought a new air conditioner. I believe he had to get special government permits to allow a commercial grade system in his townhouse. I understand it was rated high enough to cool the entire house in 5.8 seconds if fully engaged.

One day Joey decided he was going to seriously make BBQ.

So, he went on a multi-week tour of every two-bit BBQ shack from South Carolina to Alabama in search of the ultimate sauce.

Of course, 4000 miles later he still wasn't satisfied he'd found it and just decided to make it himself. Which he did, as anyone who had the pleasure to enjoy it will agree. His smoker makes a nice footnote, he had to have a second chimney installed in his garage to accommodate the festival size charcoal drum he needed to make his magic happen.

His family dinners were, of course, professional. I often told him he could have his own Food Network show. Joe knew every calorie, ingredient, and home range of everything he served and he knew, of course, where in Chicago the very best of everything could be found. If the best was not available in Chicago (unlikely!) he would have it drop-shipped. Next day Early AM.

Best Of Friends

Joey was a connecter unlike anyone I have ever known. He could move through completely different groups of people effortlessly and somehow without changing at all who he was.

Joey didn't have any prejudices. He was equally comfortable and well received no matter where he went. He was popular in the urban Dance and R&B scene, ordering a knisch at a Jewish Diner, recording with alternative rock and rollers from the Midwest or hanging out at Home Depot, CesarLand or a Baptist retreat.

I think the thing that really amazes me most though, is that some little part of Joey always seemed to stick with the people he met. I think a lot of times it was his style with words that was the most repeated by the people he met.

Joey Loved Words

Joey loved words and I've never known anyone with a more entertaining way of saying anything.

Anything at anytime could be: Full On, The Bomb, or Rock!

But besides entertaining us all with them, Joey loved to use words to tell us so often exactly how he was feeling.

I have never known anyone who could so freely say, "I love you, man" or stand up and give an amazing toast simply by saying what was on his mind.

Whenever he spoke, we all listened.

Joey Was Generous

Joey was also the most generous person I've ever known.

He gave of himself in countless ways.

He freely gave his time, his opinions, (occasionally even without being asked) and his hard work.

Most Sunday's he volunteered with his church, cooking dinner for 100 enthusiastic Keenagers. He was grateful for compliments but didn't seek them. The fact that each Sunday brought another full dining room was his motivation.

How many times did he put in unpaid hour upon hour towards someone else's dream project? How many times would he see a way to make a situation better and then proceed to make it happen on his own time but for everyone's gain?

You could never say goodbye to Joey without him trying to send you off with something to eat, some piece of gear, or the name of someone he really thought you ought to meet.

If you needed a place to stay, Joey would always offer first.

Big Bear Hug

He was also generous with his emotions.

When my friends and I first met him, he greeted us with what was then, an unfamiliar big bear hug.

At first we didn't know what to make of it and a few even tried to avoid it but Joey would have none of that. If he caught you trying to hide your hug would be twice as long!

But the most incredible thing is that his energetic way of saying hello began to catch on with all my friends and me.

And to this day, we all greet each other with that same big bear hug.

It's funny, he had to teach us what came so naturally to him. This simple, warm gesture, it's nothing really, but yet so powerful. It sets the tone, from the moment we meet, of respect, trust and just plain being happy to be together again. 

I had never given my own father a hug until after I met Joey and he showed me how.

Joey and Music

At the end of the day, Joey's greatest love and passion was music.

He was responsible for helping the careers of countless musicians.

He was a producer in the truest sense of the word: he produced results from the musicians he worked with that elevated their songs, their playing and their commitment.

He was different from so many producers in that Joey was consistently great across all genres, Rock, Pop, Metal, Gospel, Soul and Dance. The style didn't matter, it was the producer that counted.

One of his favorite sayings was: "I can tell you how to take it to the next level, but it's ON YOU to make it happen."

The wise ones did, and more often than not were rewarded.

Diamond In The Rough

Joey commanded one of the rarest musical gifts: he could truly hear a diamond in the rough.

For evidence, I need only look to my own band.

Joey saw my young band play only once and was convinced something special was there.

In one monumental afternoon, he retaught our drummer how to play, changed my guitar style forever, pushed our singer past his fears and, working together, the end result was our biggest dream come true: we earned that mythic record deal and all that came with it.

The fact that Joey repeated that story with other artists over and over again is, I think, proof undeniable of his extraordinary gift to hear what no one else could hear and to see great potential in musicians who couldn't yet see it in themselves.

The End

I'm nearing the end of my remarks now, although I could easily go on and on. The more I think about it, the more I realize what an embarrassment of riches my friendship with Joey was.

There's just one problem...

Methods Of Rock

You taught me so much Joe, but there's a lesson I missed. I'm certain it was covered in the material, but I could really use a refresher.

We always said that you had in your possession the all powerful and mysterious Book Of Rock.

Chapter One is titled "Don't Be Lame".

You suggested I re-read that one many times in all the years I knew you.

There are chapters on Bringing Your Best, Taking It To The Next Level, Sacrificing Everything, and Blowing Away the Barriers In Your Way.

But I still need to know one more thing...

Saying Goodbye

Where is the chapter on Saying Goodbye?

Ever since I moved to New York I've heard you say a thousand times, "I miss you, bro."

I miss you too man, and what am I supposed to do about it?

But if I calm down, I think I can see what you did.

You slipped that last lesson in right at the end, not just for me, but for all of us.

It's the only reason why, of all the days, you left us on Thanksgiving.

New Thanksgiving

I think you took that day and forever changed it's meaning for us.

It was your favorite holiday, of course, but I see more wisdom at work.

It is, unlike all the other holidays, not bound to any one tradition, or filled with distractions, advertisements or rules of any kind. Each Thanksgiving we celebrate can be completely different from the last and of no less value for it.

I think the lesson I'm seeking is that WE DON'T EVER SAY GOODBYE!

That chapter isn't missing, it never needed to be written.

Instead, you gave us each Thanksgiving from now on as a day we can each celebrate in our own ways, and when we can each remember you in our own ways.

You gave so much to so many, and now every year we can all slow down and take some time to consider how we are living up to the incredible example you set. You even took the trouble to mark our calendars for us.

We can use that day to refocus and ask WWJD (What Would Joey Do?)

I'm certain if we listen to your voice in our memory and cherish your example we can all, like you were, become:

Proud and loving husbands and wives, faithful brothers and sisters, beloved sons and daughters, devoted fathers and mothers, and dearer friends to each other.

Your life was your final and most generous gift.

I'll miss you every day Joey,

But I'll never say Goodbye.